that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Randomize
