so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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