god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Randomize
