Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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