whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
