I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize