You smell like a Billy Joel song
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
last night I used snow as a chaser
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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