i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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