I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Randomize
