Kareoke will never be a sober sport
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize