quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just googled if crying burns calories
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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