Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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