Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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