You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
