he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
