Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize