my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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