so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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