I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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