Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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