Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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