you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
