I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
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