Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
