You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
