i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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