Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
