cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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