Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
