On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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