Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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