We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
