Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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