you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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