I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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