I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
