Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
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