yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
