Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Do vagina's smell?
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
