sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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