apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
