I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
