apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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