your parents love me but you hate me
The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
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