If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
