Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Randomize
