if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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