I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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