rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
being pregnant is like rehab
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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