I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
