he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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