Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
It's no shave November. This is our time.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
