i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
