my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
